Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Am I Ashamed?

I saw this post on my mom's Facebook feed today.















I'm not quite sure I want to shout it, but I'm not ashamed that I have been baptized in the name of Jesus Christ.

As I'm sure you know, if you have enough interest to read this, I was once a Christian, but I no longer believe. But I'm not ashamed of that. Sometimes I wonder how I believed as long as I did. Sometimes I wish I had not believed. I wish my life had been guided more by empirical evidence and less by pretending to know things I didn't know. I also wish I hadn't been ashamed of who I was.

I find it very odd to expect people to not feel shame over an act of belief in a system that promotes shame. I always felt out of place because my religion taught me that it was wrong for me to want to enjoy the "things of the world." Things like certain types of music, certain types of entertainment and my natural sexual desires. It was wrong to want to dress in certain ways, to say certain words, to look at certain things. Religion taught me that I was naturally flawed and that I was unworthy of the love of a perfect God.

So I lived a life of shame. I hid many things and lied about who I was and what I felt. I spiraled into deep self loathing until I could no longer contain it and I started turning that anger and hatred on everyone that came into my life. I let my guilt and shame become what defined me. I've hurt more people in more ways than I want to remember, but I just cannot seem to forget. The shame hovers over me like a black cloud that follows me every where I go.

But, I'm trying to live without shame. I try everyday to forgive myself for the things I have done. I try to live a day at a time, attempting to make good decisions based on sound reasons. I try to live looking forward and not behind. Its not easy.

I'm not ashamed of my religious past, there has been good that has come from it. I'm not ashamed of the road that has lead me to where I am today, there has been good that has come from that also. However, I do carry shame for things I have done in my life, maybe I should, but I'm working very hard to make sure my life is not defined my my shame.

2 comments:

  1. I think we all live with shame Richard. Shame is definitely human condition. People may misconstrue it as a moral or religious issue but i can tell you right now, it's a much deeper feeling than that. Over the past few years i've seen my personal faith evolve from an evangelical belief into more of a gnostic one. I've moved away from the bullshit implied morality and dogma and towards the purity of unshakable knowledge...truth if you will. It's a very freeing feeling, and God knows i'm exponentially happier. I'm glad that you've found the freedom of spirit that you so desperately needed. I miss you guys and i'm really proud of you both! -Chase Thomas

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  2. Thanks for the thoughtful word Chase. It means a lot to me.

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